Instead, every joy is met with a
consuming fear. Give me any situation
and I'll show you how. Grilling in the backyard? Something will
go wrong with the gas and cause a fire or R will get too close and be in harm's
way. Going down the slide? R's leg will get caught and snap.
Riding in the car? We will get into an accident and R will be
severely injured. Or worse. That [fill in the blank with
medical symptom]? We are going to be blindsided by a terrible medical
diagnosis for R. Or us. These fears of parenting after loss
prohibit me from living and enjoying my life - and more importantly - letting R
live and enjoy her life.
Living in the grieving mind is
exhausting and scary. For me, I know these thoughts are irrational but I
don't know how to stop them. Finally, after reading an article, I feel
less like a crazy person (see below). The article highlights the anxiety
that commonly affects woman after the loss of a baby. I am so happy that
I am not alone in this and that many other women feel the need to [over]
protect their children after loss.
I identified so much with the woman
who rides in the backseat of the car with her son and the other that insists on
sleeping in her son's room. I get it. I'm the same
way. I am fearful that the nights will bring harm to my daughter so I
sleep with the monitor on an excruciating volume. I can't even daydream about
vacation because I am too fearful of the car or plane ride to get there.
I think about skipping R's swim class because I don't want to risk getting on
the highway. We recently took a five hour trip to Pittsburgh, PA for a
funeral - under one condition - that we take Josh's big gas guzzling truck
instead of my fuel efficient sedan because I thought it was safer.
The struggle, however, is that my
need to [over] "protect" R is actually hurting her instead of helping
her. She needs to see family who are far away and be exposed to activities
and trips. After loss, we have a false sense that we can control the
world that we live in. The reality is, we can't. We need to relearn
how to live in a world that we can't control and be OK with the unknown
future. How do we grieving parents manage the fears of parenting
after loss? I think by living in the
present. By seeing beauty, feeling love,
and experiencing joy for those who can’t.
Living in the present. This is my mission.
The article I reference above is:
Managing Parenting Anxiety After Loss | Seleni Institute
http://seleni.org/advice-support/article/managing-parenting-anxiety-after-loss
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