Thursday, February 26, 2015

The feeling of impending tragedy

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be ok.  I live with this fear of impending doom and tragedy.  Fear of more death.  What is next for our beloved family?  How do we go on after the unthinkable has happened?  What other tragedies and unthinkables are in our future?  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over this feeling. 

It seems like tragedy hovers over people.  My husband’s mother passed away from cancer 15 years ago and now, more sorrow.  His own daughter.  It’s not fair.  We met with a minister whose older sibling was a stillborn and his younger sibling was a miscarriage.  What this our fate?  Meanwhile, some people have many healthy children.  Do they still have tragedy - we just don’t know it?  Or heaven forbid is their tragedy yet to come?  I do not wish tragedy on anyone, but I can’t figure out why us.  We are good, loving people who wanted more than anything to welcome Quinn into our world.  Why did this have to happen to us?  Why did she have to go before she was even here?

The statistic of stillbirth is 1 in 160, but the doctor told me for my race and age it was 1 in 1,000.  I can’t believe it.  It’s so unfair, so unjust, it makes me so mad.  It just takes 1.  We were the 1.  For every statistic and risk that is in my future, I will always think of the 1.  Will that 1 be us again? 1 in 160, 1 in 1,000 or 1 in 10,000.  It doesn’t matter what the statistic is, there is always 1.  I lost my naivety about the 1.  If there is 1, then it could be us.  Again.

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