Meditation Thursdays

One of the great things about working at a university is I have access to many resources.  One of them is a meditation lunch hour sponsored by the Office of Religious Life.  One of my many goals as I am on my journey toward healing is becoming more present.  Meditation is a conscious effort I can take to achieve this.

Being quiet with myself while meditating is scary because I plunge into the depth of my soul and I enter a black hole that I don’t know how to climb out of.  There is such deepness to my love for Quinn and therefore to my grief.  To the guided question, “how is your body feeling?” my internal reply is “heavy.”  “Burdened.”  To just “be” in those moments of meditation are hard.  To quiet the noise that clutters my day and to let the distractions flutter away.  What is left?  A heavy, burdened me. 

To be with my body that aches deeply for her.  To be with my heart that longs for her.  To be with my mind that dreams of her.  To just “be.”  Present.  Here.  To be here and for her not to be here.  To have so much love for her that I feel my body hurt.  To be quiet with the same body that killed my daughter.  To be one with my breath that she never got a chance to take. 

To climb out from the depth of my soul, open my eyes, and return to the buzz of life.