Saturday, May 2, 2015

Choosing to be happy

Hi Quinn,

I love you and miss you so much.  I ache and yearn for you more and more each day.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to live.  To really live and enjoy every moment of life.  To see beautiful things and experience joy and laughter.  To reconnect with your daddy and give and feel love.  What do you think?  Should we give it a try?  I promise I’ll hold you in my heart the whole time.  Do you think this would help me be happy again?  Do you want me to be happy?  Is it ok to be happy?  Sweet Quinn, can you give me a sign that it’s ok to live my life and try to enjoy it while holding you in my heart the whole time? 


This is what I asked Quinn last night.  I’m so sobered by the fragility of life and I’m scared I’ll spend the rest of mine in a fog of darkness.  How sad this thought makes me.  I want to invite happiness back into my life, but I want to make sure it’s ok with her - that she won’t think I’ve forgotten about her if I have joy or love other people. 

I feel like I live in two worlds.  One is where I put on a mask, smile and pretend to be happy.  This world usually exists at work and out in public.  It is a survival skill that I fake and force to get through the day to seem relatively normal to my boss and coworkers.  Then there is the world where I can be my true self.  Here, I can be sad and cry.  At best I am even-keel calm and sometimes numb.

But how do you become happy again?  Like, genuinely happy.  Do you just choose to be happy?  Is it that easy?

It is so strange for me not to be inherently happy because before Quinn, I always was.  I didn’t have to think about it.  I just woke up happy.  I even thought this was one of my best qualities.  I lived my life inspired by the words of Mother Teresa: “Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”  I had this quote on my refrigerator to remind me of my life’s mission throughout the day. 

Spread love everywhere you go

Now, happiness seems like such a foreign concept and I feel like the grief has ripped my heart apart.  How do I heal my heart and soul to invite happiness back in?  To be the light in life again?  Is happiness a skill that you can practice and get better at?  Some people say that happiness is in your hands.  That you choose to be happy.  Tomorrow, I will try it.  I will see how I can hold grief and happiness in my heart at the same time.  I’ll wake up and choose to be happy.  First, I’ll smile.  Next, I’ll be kind to my husband.  Maybe I’ll try smiling again.  I’ll let you know how it goes…if I can choose to be happy. 

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