Hi Quinn,
I love you and miss
you so much. I ache and yearn for
you more and more each day. I’ve
been thinking a lot about what it means to live. To really live and enjoy every moment of life. To see beautiful things and experience
joy and laughter. To reconnect
with your daddy and give and feel love.
What do you think? Should
we give it a try? I promise I’ll
hold you in my heart the whole time.
Do you think this would help me be happy again? Do you want me to be happy? Is it ok to be happy? Sweet Quinn, can you give me a sign
that it’s ok to live my life and try to enjoy it while holding you in my heart
the whole time?
---------------
This is what I asked
Quinn last night. I’m so sobered
by the fragility of life and I’m scared I’ll spend the rest of mine in a fog of
darkness. How sad this thought
makes me. I want to invite
happiness back into my life, but I want to make sure it’s ok with her - that
she won’t think I’ve forgotten about her if I have joy or love other
people.
I feel like I live in
two worlds. One is where I put on
a mask, smile and pretend to be happy.
This world usually exists at work and out in public. It is a survival skill that I fake and
force to get through the day to seem relatively normal to my boss and
coworkers. Then there is the world
where I can be my true self. Here,
I can be sad and cry. At best I am
even-keel calm and sometimes numb.
But how do you become
happy again? Like, genuinely
happy. Do you just choose to be
happy? Is it that easy?
It is so strange for
me not to be inherently happy because before Quinn, I always was. I didn’t have to think about it. I just woke up happy. I even thought this was one of my best
qualities. I lived my life
inspired by the words of Mother Teresa: “Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without
leaving better and happier.” I had
this quote on my refrigerator to remind me of my life’s mission throughout the
day.
Now, happiness seems
like such a foreign concept and I feel like the grief has ripped my heart
apart. How do I heal my heart and
soul to invite happiness back in?
To be the light in life again?
Is happiness a skill that you can practice and get better at? Some people say that happiness is in
your hands. That you choose to be
happy. Tomorrow, I will try
it. I will see how I can hold
grief and happiness in my heart at the same time. I’ll wake up and choose to be happy. First, I’ll smile. Next, I’ll be kind to my husband. Maybe I’ll try smiling again. I’ll let you know how it goes…if I can
choose to be happy.
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