Thursday, May 14, 2015

Can meditation be stressful?

Meditation candle

Can meditation be stressful?  Very.  Today, the Universe did not want me to go to the meditation lunch hour at my work.  The session began as normal: I entered the room and joined the circle.  We sat in silence around a candle, I closed my eyes, and I began to focus.  Today, I was having an unusually difficult time centering and letting go of my thoughts.  However, I stuck with it, reminded of the quote: “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you’re too busy; then you should sit for an hour.” 

Meditation quote

Knowing that although my mind was racing, I would fall into the calm of my inner light if I opened myself to the idea.  I got there.  The next moment, however, the substitute facilitator welcomed us to participate in a mindful lunch and asked us to send positive energy to the regular facilitator whose wife had a baby this morning.  

The only way I can describe this moment is as follows: you know that sound the DJ makes when he/she scratches a record?  It was like this sound scratched across the smooth music of my soul and I entered an alternate reality.  My heart started pounding in my throat.  Tears emptied from my eyes.  I couldn’t control it.  I bit my lip and tried so hard to enter that calm place that I just was.  With some very focused breathing and discipline, I got there.

Next, it was time to get the food to eat silently after the meditation period, and an 8 months pregnant woman sat next to me.  My heart was back in my throat and I started gasping for air.  I felt suffocated and I stumbled for air.  I sobbed, bit my lip, held my breath, and launched myself out of the room.  All I could see were my feet running down the hall and down the stairs.  I threw myself on the exit door and started heaving as soon as I felt the fresh air enter my lungs and sun hit my face.   I think I quite literally had a panic attack in the meditation circle.  

WHAT is wrong with me?!  I want to get better and I feel like I am trying so hard, only to have the Universe laugh in my face.  Where are these uncontrollable feelings coming from?  Jealousy?  Anger?  Sadness?  I am honestly very happy for other people’s pregnancies and babies, but the grief is so powerful when I’m taken off guard like that.  I’m trying to be a healing junkie but the news of pregnancy and babies fuels my grief and it is so hard to fight.     

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