If grief didn’t consume me

I don’t wish away grief, for grief is really love, right?  However, I do wish I had a more healthy relationship with grief.  I wish it weren’t so paralyzing and didn’t make me feel so vulnerable.  I feel like I can’t live in the present because I yearn so deeply for the past and I coldly fear the future.  So what would life be like if grief didn’t consume me?  If I could hold it in my heart as love? 

…

If grief didn’t consume me, I would feel free.

Free to let my heart sing wildly for those I love.

I would sing and dance and truly be in each moment. 

If grief didn’t consume me, I would really live.

Live for my daughter who can’t and not be scared of falling victim to a haunting tragedy.

I would travel and relish in the mystery of the universe.

If grief didn’t consume me, I would feel no regret.

Regret that I should have known that my own body was suffocating my daughter.

I would love my body and trust her again.

If grief didn’t consume me, I would have no fear of the future.

The future that holds the what-ifs and uncertainties of life.

I would see the future not as finite days ahead but as endless opportunities for adventure.

If grief didn’t consume me, my body would feel light.

Lightened from the shackles that entraps my heart and soul.

I would feel the heaviness of grief lift from my body and be free from burden.

If grief didn’t consume me, my mind would be sharp.

Sharp and free from the black holes that extract my memory.

I would hold memories as gifts in my mind to cherish forever.

If grief didn’t consume me, I would not fear death.

Death creeping in and leaving me or my loved one still.

I would push away death in order to say hello to life.  

If grief didn’t consume me, I would hope.

Hope for brighter days ahead and joy.

I would climb out of the tunnel of doom to see the light of life.