After Quinn’s stillbirth, I have a renewed consciousness
about life and living. I strive to live
a big LITTLE life and fill the little moments with joy and meaning. I don’t force myself to do this; rather, I
try to let it develop organically. When
the deep moments of sorrow do come, I feel them, honor them, and respect
them. I do something that connects me to
Quinn and I make sure to only surround myself with people who understand. However, most days I am able to hold Quinn in
my heart and she is my inspiration to fill as many moments as possible with joy
and meaning.
Our family is trying to take full advantage of the summer
and live a big LITTLE life. Here are
some recent highlights.
I’ve been running – a lot.
Running has been incredibly healing for me both physically and
mentally. It has been my honor to
dedicate several of my runs to other stillborn babies and their families. Their memory and their families’ stories give
me strength and inspiration to push forward.
I have my eye on a marathon mid-September to run in honor and memory of Quinn and all other stillborn babies.
This picture does not do justice – the dense forest trail
opens up to the most breathtaking open fields.
I get emotional each time I have the pleasure of running this way. It is so beautiful and reminds me how grandiose
the universe is.
I try to scatter a few date-days with Riley throughout the
spring and summer. As Riley has been
growing up right before my eyes, I decided that I was going to “date” her. I don’t want a feeling like I am at work so
much that I miss her growing up. So, I
take off special days to be with her, when we can do ordinary things and just be
together enjoying each other’s company.
For our last date-day, we went to a music class, the pool with her
cousin, and the library. All wonderfully
ordinary things that she LOVED.
My heart
melted when she arrived to the library and squealed sheer joy when she saw all
the books to choose from. After a
delightful time looking at them, she did an activity and we went home with
books about horses, cats, and dinosaurs (her requests).
I also love Riley’s fascination with the wonders of the
world. She, as children do, loves the
funny looking praying mantis that sits in our garden, seeing deer and
groundhogs on our run, and chasing after butterflies (and rabbits, and squirrels,
and…) I love that she has reminded me that
world is quite magnificent. When she
stops to smell a flower, the old me would have rushed her inside to get on with
the next to-do item. The new me,
however, stops to smell it with her and we spend time talking about that wonder
of the universe.
Oh how Quinn and Riley
have brightened my life and brought our family to living a big LITTLE life.
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