An unexpected hardship I am dealing with right now is my
relationship with my older daughter R.
It is so hard to bond with her while I am mourning Quinn. Before Quinn, R filled the house with
joy and laughter. We had a bond
that was matched by no other. She
fulfilled me and filled my heart.
After Quinn, however, the house is so empty. I can’t explain it but R doesn’t fill it anymore. This makes me so sad and I want to work
on healing my relationship with R.
She needs me and deserves a mother who will bring her happiness and
joy.
R goes to school during the
day and it was recommended to us to
continue with her schedule, which would give us time to grieve
and heal. The other evening Josh
was gone for a couple hours and the duty of watching R seemed so
overwhelming. Could I be a present
and happy mommy for 2 hours? I
stared at the clock that barely moved.
What am I going to do with her?
I couldn’t believe I was having these thoughts that I’ve never had with
her before. I felt so guilty. Mothering always came so naturally to
me. Now, my grief has paralyzed me. I made it through the long 2 hours that
Josh was gone by making corn muffins with her (always a hit and that burned a
whole 30 minutes) and watching Sesame Street. I hate feeling like this and I am searching to reconnect
with my beloved R.
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