Friday, February 27, 2015

Connecting with R

An unexpected hardship I am dealing with right now is my relationship with my older daughter R.  It is so hard to bond with her while I am mourning Quinn.  Before Quinn, R filled the house with joy and laughter.  We had a bond that was matched by no other.  She fulfilled me and filled my heart.  After Quinn, however, the house is so empty.  I can’t explain it but R doesn’t fill it anymore.  This makes me so sad and I want to work on healing my relationship with R.  She needs me and deserves a mother who will bring her happiness and joy. 

R goes to school during the day and it was recommended to us to continue with her schedule, which would give us time to grieve and heal.  The other evening Josh was gone for a couple hours and the duty of watching R seemed so overwhelming.  Could I be a present and happy mommy for 2 hours?  I stared at the clock that barely moved.  What am I going to do with her?  I couldn’t believe I was having these thoughts that I’ve never had with her before.  I felt so guilty.  Mothering always came so naturally to me.  Now, my grief has paralyzed me.  I made it through the long 2 hours that Josh was gone by making corn muffins with her (always a hit and that burned a whole 30 minutes) and watching Sesame Street.  I hate feeling like this and I am searching to reconnect with my beloved R. 

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