Saturday, February 28, 2015

That place between sleep and awake

The mornings are the hardest.  There is a moment when I transition from sleep to awake, where I do not yet have consciousness.  It is a moment where my eyes are still closed and I am at peace and have calm.  A moment when everything is ok…like I could open my eyes and the truth would be different.  But when consciousness takes over and my eyes open, I am back to reality.  Quinn is gone.  My baby is gone.  Why, oh why did she have to go.  It hurts so much to be brought to this cruel reality morning after morning.  This is when I have the deepest sorrow and yearning for Quinn.  Every morning I go from the peacefulness of my preconscious state to the painful truth that consciousness has brought me. 

Day after day when this consciousness strikes me I have to decide if I am going succumb to the sorrow and spend time missing her and crying for her, or if I am going to take a breath, hold back the tears and get out of bed.  It varies each day.  Some days I need to cry for her, and Josh understands.  Other days, I have the strength and courage to face the day right away. 

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