Up until now, I have not been religious, but we had
Quinn blessed by the hospital chaplain before she was taken from us for her
eternal rest. It could have been
any religion, or 10 religions. I
would have taken them up on each and every offer. Anything for my baby girl, absolutely anything. I was desperate. The chaplain blessed her with Psalm 23
(NKJV):
The Lord the
Shepherd of His People
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before
me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
I read this and try to find comfort.
I have always been a realist. Before this happened I believed we were the drivers of our
life and in control of our own future and fate. I didn’t really believe in the God above, but could identify
with an “inner God,” which I called “my inner light,” from going to Quaker
school for 7 years. Now, I can
honestly say, that philosophy I so strongly believed in has completely
crumbled. After Quinn’s arrival I
don’t know what I believe. My
philosophy doesn’t explain the unthinkable. If I was the driver of my own fate, how could my own beloved
daughter, my own flesh and blood, die inside of me?
Has Quinn’s arrival confirmed my belief in God or disproved it? Part of me wonders if this was a sign from God Himself saying, “Hey you – I’m here. This is your wake-up call. It is time to believe.” However, part of me questions the existence of God now more than ever, because how could He take our baby from us? Was she gone because of science – the 1 in 1,000 chance that she wouldn’t make it through delivery alive with the cord around her neck? Or did He take Quinn from us because He didn’t want her to endure suffering on earth? Was there something else going on that only He knows? I don’t know how to find these answers. I think I might be spending the rest of my life trying to figure it out.
Has Quinn’s arrival confirmed my belief in God or disproved it? Part of me wonders if this was a sign from God Himself saying, “Hey you – I’m here. This is your wake-up call. It is time to believe.” However, part of me questions the existence of God now more than ever, because how could He take our baby from us? Was she gone because of science – the 1 in 1,000 chance that she wouldn’t make it through delivery alive with the cord around her neck? Or did He take Quinn from us because He didn’t want her to endure suffering on earth? Was there something else going on that only He knows? I don’t know how to find these answers. I think I might be spending the rest of my life trying to figure it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment