Sunday, March 29, 2015

Letter to R

Dear R,

I am so sorry Quinn is not here for you.  You would love her so much.  You would be the best big sister and I wish I could have given that to you.  It melted my heart seeing you with your younger cousin this weekend.  You were so loving and kind.  You kissed her and hugged her.  You were gentle.  You asked where she was, what she was doing, and you told her “I love you” in your cute little toddler voice over and over.  You wanted to play with her and show her things.  You said, “Come over here” and “I need you.” 

I got a glimpse of what you would be like as a big sister and it was beautiful.  The “what-if” snapshots that pop into my head are wonderful wishes but hurt so much because I know they cannot be reality: giving Quinn your present upon meeting her at the hospital; snuggling both me and Quinn in the hospital bed when you came to visit; gently patting your baby sister then kissing her; covering your ears when she is screaming; showing her your toys and how things work; holding her hand; making her drawings and paintings; whispering and plotting together; running through the house together squealing and giggling, causing a delightful ruckus. 

I’m so sorry R, I wish I could have made you a big sister.  I would do anything for you to have Quinn.  I feel like I have failed you. 

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