Miscarriage is a lonely journey, but it doesn't have to be. The best thing we can do to support each
other is to break the silence about miscarriage and share stories. Inspired by the Real Woman article about breaking the silence, I want to share my miscarriage story. I would be honored to hear your miscarriage
story and in turn, we can help break the silence.
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Following the stillbirth of my daughter Quinn, the doctor
recommended waiting 16 months between deliveries. My husband and I had the month marked in our
calendar…October. This would be when
hope was restored, when we could give our dreams another shot, so we thought. We got pregnant right away and we thought
“this was it.” “This HAS to
happen.” I had eight months to think
about how I would treat a new pregnancy and from the moment I saw the two pink
lines on my pregnancy test in November, I began living my post-stillbirth
pregnancy mantra: live this moment.
I was proud of myself for “living the moment” and had
moments where I let myself be happy and hopeful. I daydreamed of a new summer birthday (how
novel in our family!) and reveled in the idea that Riley was finally going to be
a big sister to a living child! My OB
confirmed the pregnancy and even let me see the heartbeat at such an early
stage.
However, a couple weeks later during my dating scan, the
ultrasound tech told me there was a problem and the doctor confirmed - I would
miscarry. I was 9 weeks pregnant. My world crumbled and crashed all over
again. The darkness that I worked so
hard to escape after my stillbirth rushed over my body and mind, leaving me in
a lifeless slump. Again.
I asked the doctor if we could wait a week and re-scan to be
sure. During that excruciating week I
clung on to the hope that a mistake was made.
After all we’ve been through, this pregnancy had to succeed. It was not
possible for a family like us who wants another baby so much to endure another loss…was it? However, I started to miscarry the eve before
my confirmation scan and as the blood began to escape my body, so did my hopes
and dreams.
I was worried I would start gushing blood with little time
to take action. However, this was hardly
the case. I had warning when it was
coming and the bleeding was very slow at first.
Over a couple days it got heavier – similar to a period – then heavier
still. At this point, I was a bit taken aback
by how much blood there was and it was emotionally pretty tough to deal
with. During the progression, I was
still at work and it was almost impossible to survive the day.
I am grateful I was off on holiday break for the second half
of the miscarriage. The bleeding was
quite heavy, including passing blood clots.
Through it all I was vigorously running and exercising as I was really
worried about the miscarriage not completing fully on its own. I have a long history with running and I thought
exercise would help the progression. Not
only did it help physically but it was an emotional comfort that my dear friend
running was there to see me through this dark journey.
On the morning the embryo passed, I went on a hard, hard
run. For the rest of the day I didn’t
have any contractions and the embryo passed that evening (without warning). I am grateful I was in the loving care of my
husband and in the comfort of my home when it occurred. The OB advised I go to the hospital the
next day, since it was a Saturday, and the ultrasound confirmed the miscarriage
was complete. I continued to bleed a
week more, the whole process lasting about 3 weeks. Through it all I was very nauseous.
As my miscarriage happened days before Christmas, I had a
particularly tough holiday. Not only was
it our first Christmas without Quinn, but I was fresh with grief.
The miscarriage really broke me. After my stillbirth and much healing, I got
to a place where I thought it would be possible to have another living
baby. After my miscarriage, however, my
hopes and dreams were again shattered and I dived back into despair. Suddenly my world of “when’s” turned into a
world of “if’s,” and this little word change makes all the difference. My hope morphed from: “when I have another
baby” to “if I ever have another baby,” and the accompanying sinking feeling.
I am not triumphed, however, and I can once again see the light and goodness in the world, and I appreciate this with full gratitude. As such, I am dedicating my year to practicing gratitude, remembering that people are gifts, building my bond with my living child, and focusing on my family’s health and fitness. However, the question still lingers…what is next for our family? I have learned that true love exists as much in death as it does in life, but when is it time to embrace the completeness of my family even though it is forever incomplete?
I am not triumphed, however, and I can once again see the light and goodness in the world, and I appreciate this with full gratitude. As such, I am dedicating my year to practicing gratitude, remembering that people are gifts, building my bond with my living child, and focusing on my family’s health and fitness. However, the question still lingers…what is next for our family? I have learned that true love exists as much in death as it does in life, but when is it time to embrace the completeness of my family even though it is forever incomplete?
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